Chapter 1

The Day dnd came to real life

The last thing I remembered was reaching for a Coke.

That was it. Simple. My hand reaching out, my mind already tasting the cold soda sliding down my throat. The fizz. The sweetness. That familiar Coke flavor. Ah, those were the days. Sitting around Sean’s table in his mom’s basement, rolling dice and playing D&D with everyone yelling over everyone else.

Then something strange happened.

My hand seemed to stretch away from me.

Not my arm. My hand.

It kept going and going, reaching toward eternity while I sat there staring at it. I remember someone, I think it was Christy, saying her gnome was going to be rich after selling her new gadget when we got back to town.

Then her voice stretched too. The words became distorted and elongated, like someone had grabbed the sound and pulled it through a taffy machine. I closed my eyes. Maybe I was having a seizure. I thought. Maybe I had finally lost my mind. Too many late nights no sleep too much junk food? Whatever it was, I hoped closing my eyes would make the spinning stop.

When I opened them again, there was a naked green, hairy ass directly in my face.

I won’t lie. It startled the hell out of me. I mean, the butt wasn’t completely naked. There was a strip of cloth running down the middle, but the cheeks were definitely out there. Right in my face. And judging by the color of the cloth and the general condition of the thing, it hadn’t seen a washing machine in a very long time.

Then the smell hit me.

Someone, or several someone’s, had not showered in a very long time. There was the stink of unwashed bodies, sweat, and something that smelled like rotten meat. It reminded me of the time Mom forgot about a package of chicken in the back of the refrigerator, and I had to carry it outside to the trash.

Ugh!

My vision wasn’t much better. Something was blocking my view. I reached up with my left hand to push it away, but instead a round, metal-rimmed piece of wood came swinging up and smashed into whatever was in front of me. Metal struck metal.

My head jerked backward. I stared at the thing in my left hand. A shield?

In my right had was a short wooden shaft with what could only be described as a double-headed battle axe attached to it. I had no idea where they came from. I also had no idea why I was holding it.

The green butt cheeks were getting closer. They swayed with every step. I decided that if they got any closer, they were going to smash directly into my face, so I turned sharply to my left.

And there she was. A woman. Not just any woman, either. She was stunning. Tall and thin as a willow, with luminous blue eyes that blinked rapidly as she stared down at me. Her cloak was long and flowed out behind her. The hood was up but long black hair spilled over the edges and cascaded down across her chest.

Then my axe got caught in her sleeve.

I gulped. She looked down at me in confusion.

I looked up at her.

“Who are you?” she asked. Her face looked dreamy like she had just woke up.

I didn’t answer, I was too embarrassed. And I was too busy trying to figure out how to get my axe unstuck. There was also something incredibly heavy pulling down on my shoulders and back. I shifted my weight and pulled harder.

The woman yelped. “Ouch! What are you doing?”

Her sleeve ripped.

The axe blade caught her arm.

I froze. Then the axe came free.

Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there.

The blade slipped downward and caught her bare leg where it emerged from the slit in her gown.

I gulped again. I was thirteen years old. That was more woman than I had ever seen in person, unless you counted the internet. I blushed.

Then my axe carved a bloody furrow down her leg. I immediately dropped it. Panic took over and I staggered backward under the weight pressing down on my shoulders.

Something slammed into me.

Green butt cheeks suddenly filled my entire field of vision.

Then I was flat on my back. Weight on my chest pressed me down making it hard to breath.

I had no idea what was happening. All I could see was dirty cloth and the smell! Barely covered, hairy butt cheeks rubbed dangerously close to my face.

I gagged. Then I vomited a little in my mouth.

That did not help.

A sweet, fizzy liquid mixed with half-chewed food and burnt meat came rushing back up my throat.

I choked. “Get off me!”

I shoved as hard as I could with one arm. The green butt cheeks, along with the massive green body attached to them, suddenly launched across the room.

I rolled onto my side and vomited.

Pandemonium erupted around me. Someone else was vomiting, too. It was a dainty little sound compared to the gut-heaving retching coming from me. I figured she hadn’t received the same butt-to-the-face introduction that I had.

I reached up with my right hand and ripped off the helmet. The heavy metal thing clanged against the floor beside me. It was a big black metal medieval helmet. At least I could see now. I looked down. A shield was strapped to my left arm. I yanked at the leather straps, ripping it free and leaving the metal gauntlet behind. The leather was soaked with sweat and worn almost smooth.

My stomach finally settled. I rolled into a sitting position and gasped for air. There was an enormous pack strapped to my back. I could feel its weight dragging me back. It felt like it weighed a ton. I wanted it off, Badly.

But there was too much happening in front of me to worry about it. The willow-thin woman was staring down at her thigh in horror. Every few seconds, her eyes flicked toward me, and each time they did, there was a little more fear in them. My axe lay at her feet.

I looked away, quickly.

To my right stood a tall man whose head and most of his body were covered by a green cloak. A bow was strapped across his back, along with a quiver of arrows. Two swords, one long and one short, poked out from beneath his cloak. He was bent over and he vomited on the floor, making that dainty sound again.

Oh. He was a man.

I immediately looked away, embarrassed for him.

Another woman knelt nearby. She had long blond hair, and both hands were pressed against the sides of her head. She rocked back and forth, making a low moaning sound. Another man stood in the middle of the room. His long locks of hair hung around his face. His armor gleamed, and the shield in his hand was massive. He was using it to keep himself upright. It wasn’t working. He fell backward and landed hard on his butt with a tremendous crash of metal.

Across the room stood a very large and very angry orc. He was mostly naked, wearing only a loincloth and a few scraps of armor that appeared to have been placed wherever someone could find a strap. The creature was huge. Green, and covered in muscles. Hell, even his muscles had muscles. He used the wall to pull himself back to his feet. I looked away quickly because he looked pissed.

Then I saw the tiny one. Her backpack was bigger than she was. That was why I hadn’t noticed her before. I thought it was luggage in the middle of the room. She was sitting on the floor, blinking at all of us.

For a moment, nobody moved. Then everyone started talking at once.

“What happened?”

“Where am I?”

“What is this place?”

I looked around the room.

The axe, the shield, the swords, the bows, the armor, the very angry orc, the tiny woman, and the beautiful woman I’d just accidentally carved open with a battle axe.

My stomach rolled again. I swallowed hard. I had the sudden, sinking feeling that I wasn’t in Sean’s mom’s basement anymore

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